I feel complicit for not telling his wife about this. I’ve met her twice, once at a happy hour and another time when she dropped by the office and joined us for coffee. I can’t pretend she’s a stranger, but we’re not close enough that I know what’s going on inside their marriage. They have a small child and are trying for a second.
I want to help this woman, but not at the cost of my job. If I inform her anonymously, she’ll brush me off as some troll, and he’ll immediately know it was me because I don’t think anyone else knows about this. I don’t care if he knows it was me, but how do I do this without getting in trouble with HR for creating a hostile work environment?
Karla: Are you sure you’d be helping the wife by telling her what you witnessed?
- You’re not close enough to know whether she’d rather be told a painful truth, or even whether she and her husband have some kind of “don’t ask/don’t tell” arrangement.
- An anonymous tip would create conflict with no closure. Telling her in person would bring your own motives into question, especially if you have any history of strife with either of the affair partners.
- As painful as it is to be cheated on, hearing about it from a third party is not only devastating, but preempts any chance of the cheater coming clean on his own.
- For that matter, was what you witnessed part of an ongoing pattern of habitual indiscretions, or the turning point of a short-lived mistake? I don’t doubt you saw what you saw, but I don’t see how you can be “absolutely certain” of anything more than that one incident.
In short, I don’t see any way for you to take action that does the wife — or you — more good than harm. You don’t have enough of a personal connection to justify involving yourself in a deeply personal matter.
I know. That answer doesn’t satisfy my sense of justice, either. But how badly do you really want to board this train wreck?
Let’s try a hypothetical: How would you approach this if you happened to stumble upon their steamy supply-closet scenario — but you didn’t know your co-worker’s wife at all? It’s no less a betrayal on his part, but as far as you’re concerned, it’s now a matter of two colleagues behaving unprofessionally, even if they’re not technically violating company policy. What would you do in that situation, based only on what you personally witnessed?
Would you say something to HR or your manager, if only to find out what your reporting obligations are or to get what you know on the record?
Would you say something to your co-worker? “I have the impression I saw something I shouldn’t have the other day. I don’t plan on getting involved, but I also can’t lie if anyone asks me about it.”
Would you needle him? “How’s the wife doing? Will she and the kiddo be at the company picnic?”
Would you play town crier next time you find them necking by the notepads? “OH HEY, DON’T MIND ME, JUST GRABBING SOME INKJET TONER, AS YOU WERE.”
Or would you just keep a cool distance from the canoodlers as much as your job allows?
Any one of these is an option, depending on how close you and the co-worker are, how vindictive he is, how much protection you think you need, or other factors specific to your workplace. (And I would be interested to hear from readers via email who have tried any of these options.)
Otherwise, this might be a job better left to karma. You say they’re not stupid enough to communicate personal matters on company technology. But getting caught snogging by the sticky notes doesn’t say “skilled clandestine operatives” to me. If this is in fact a recurring pattern, my money is on them becoming increasingly careless until they blow their own cover and face the repercussions.