I’m ultimately left feeling like a bit of a fraud after accepting all the compliments on my appearance. Should I simply say “thank you” and carry on, or can you suggest something more graceful that might benefit both parties? It’s worth noting that a simple “thank you” has rarely been effective at shutting down the line of questioning.
An additional downside of looking healthy while actually being very sick is that it often creates barriers to care. For example, medical providers at the ER often don’t believe me when I’m describing my horrific symptoms. I’d love to add some grace to those obnoxious discussions.
That this happens at all is, to put it mildly, disheartening, and that it happens with medical professionals is disgraceful.
Miss Manners understands the people in question to be, for the most part, acquaintances, not friends — they remember your prior appearance, but you have not seen them in some time. The response you are seeking is a somber and simple, “In fact, I’ve been extremely ill” without elaboration. The gracious response — not that you should expect to hear it often — is, “Oh, I’m so sorry.”
Dear Miss Manners: A Chilean friend of mine told me that he once spoke in Spanish to a store clerk, who mumbled something about “gringos.” My friend took this to mean that the clerk thought he was a gringo showing off his bad Spanish. I’ve been studying Spanish for years, but I’ll never be fluent in it (my brain is too old). So I’m hesitant to initiate speaking in Spanish with someone whose English may be better than my Spanish.
Either way seems rude — not speaking in Spanish when you can, or being presumptuous about the other person’s ability to speak English. I want to be polite!
It should not surprise you to hear that the answer will depend on the language and the country. Depending on your knowledge of both, you can adapt your preparation and behavior to get the best results. In some countries, making an effort to speak the local language is taken as a compliment and therefore makes up for minor defects in accent or grammar. In others, accent is more important than grammar. And in at least one country Miss Manners can think of, not speaking the local language perfectly is taken as a personal affront, if not an indication of imbecility.
Surprisingly, the levels of tourism enjoyed by the above countries do not directly correlate with the locals’ behavior. In extremis, watch what other people are doing.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.