She seems very hung up and worried about getting a boyfriend and being in a relationship and those things making her worthy or lovable. I try to bring up these topics but she acts like I am crazy. I do so many things to help make her understand her worth and how loved she is, but she’s stuck on seeking out the external validation of a teen boy. How can I help her?
Concerned Parent: I wish I could wave a wand and make this easier for you and your daughter. It is painful to watch our children struggle, and it’s even more painful when we feel we have so much wisdom and support to offer them. To be clear: It is not abnormal for a 14-year-old girl to seem “hung up” on having a boyfriend, nor is it abnormal for her to keep this from you. Humans are designed to be more and more private as they get older, so it stands to reason that she isn’t giving you a play-by-play of her love life. So how can you move forward?
I don’t know if you are doing this, but one communication technique that fails, 10 times out of 10, is telling a teen anything about themselves. It is obvious to you that your daughter is lovable, clearly, but “telling” her this is the fastest way to shut down a conversation. Developmentally, a young teen believes many of their emotions are facts. The boy didn’t like her? She is unlikable. She is single? She is unlovable. And depending on her family, the culture in which she lives and her social media consumption, she could be getting messages that feed these wrong beliefs.
Your daughter is trying to find her own voice, her autonomy, and the studies are clear that using attentive listening and praise for her honesty work far better than any other technique. To break through, you need to move into more creativity and connection. For instance, ask thoughtful questions, use examples, listen carefully and look for opportunities to do this in small doses. “Janet, I was reminded the other day … when I was 14, I was in like/love with Justin, but he was a real jerk. I didn’t see it; I just wanted him to like me. I was so crushed when he dated my friend, even when he never liked me. It was the worst.” Then you pause to feel how she is receiving your story. If your daughter seems open, you can ask: “Have you ever felt like that? Have any friends?” If your daughter doesn’t take the bait, stay quiet. You are essentially putting lots of lines in the water and waiting. If you push — “Janet, tell me how you relate to my story,” or “I know you feel the same way, and I learned to love myself and you will, too” — you will spoil the communication. Trying to connect with your daughter on this level can feel infuriatingly slow, but trust that these statements will land.
You also want to pick your moments to open these conversations by paying attention to both of your energy. If you know she is keyed up from a text exchange or call, wait. If you feel like you need to “tell her” or “teach her” something, wait. Teens are allergic to parental neediness, so choose a moment that feels safe and easy. I find that walking, driving, cooking, shooting hoops, etc. are better and lower-pressure times to breach touchy subjects, but you know your daughter best.
For more support in these tough topics of romantic intimacy, I turned to the book “The Birds, The Bees, and The Elephant in the Room” by Rachel Coler Mulholland. Mulholland describes four types of intimacies — emotional, mental, spiritual and physical — and says all four can be assessed when it comes to a romantic partner or in any relationship. Mulholland’s approach of asking, “Does my partner tick the boxes of intimacy? How many?” can help your young teen start assessing and judging her romances. Mulholland’s book also includes sample scripts that you can use to create your own conversations with your daughter.
However you approach this, do not give up. Practice listening, listening, listening, and when she tells you something that’s hard to hear, like, “I just know I am not as pretty as my friends,” train yourself to say, “That feeling must really suck,” hug her and just wait. While painful for both of you, simply being with her in her big emotions is enough. Oh, and go see “Inside Out 2” together. Good luck.