Our DIL is constantly upset that someone avoided her daughter’s name, pronounced it wrong or gave her daughter a nickname (day-care provider). I’ve never spent so much time talking about any name in my life. My husband wants to raise it privately with our son to ask him how he feels about the name now. Would he consider a nickname? But I think this is overstepping.
Name Game: The key to navigating this will be to support and compartmentalize. Playing the long game, for your relationship with this whole family unit, will be helpful. Use the child’s given name vocally and without hesitation. If the parents complain about other people’s misuse, let them speak for a few minutes, say something supportive (“I can understand how frustrating that must be”) then move on to a new topic.
You don’t own this issue, and it’s not your responsibility to solve it. Don’t let it take up so much real estate in your head. Maybe the parents will reassess given time. Maybe not. There is a high likelihood that once the child is in school, she will choose her own nickname or be given one by friends. At that point, it’s fair and appropriate to switch to calling the child by the name that she prefers to be called. Or, the child may love and embrace the given name, too, and she will be grateful of your support. There are plenty of battles worth fighting throughout the life of a child, and this isn’t one of them.
Name Game: Try to stop thinking about it as a fantasy novel name. If you met someone from another country who speaks a different language with a name that was hard to pronounce or spell, you’d do your best to pronounce and spell their name correctly. And you’d expect the same from classmates and teachers, right? Same with granddaughter’s name. It stinks that the mom gets upset, but her feelings are not yours to address.
Name Game: Yay for resisting the urge to interfere, and I mean that. Subtlety will do little to keep this from further invading your world. Because that is what has happened. Advice isn’t being asked, but complaints are being catapulted freely, and you have recognized this. So, it’s time to set limits.
If you’ve already gently sympathized (“Sounds like a tough situation,” and, “What are your thoughts on what to do about it?”), it’s time to turn to well-timed responses that say what you’ve written here. “I feel like our talks together have been dominated by the reactions to [Little Person’s] name, and that makes me sad. I miss our conversations about [Topic],” then see where the conversation goes. Try to stay focused on what is your business: the complaint invasion. This is no longer about your granddaughter’s name but about the hijacking of conversations.
Name Game: Even though the child is still young, it’s worth tuning in to her reactions. She is the one who will have to carry the name through childhood and beyond. This factor might help you decide whether to weigh in with your son and daughter-in-law. Can she herself say her name (assuming her peers are old enough to say theirs)? Is she frustrated or upset when others can’t say it? How has she reacted when adults bestowed nicknames on her? Did she answer to the nickname, or push back? Does she know she was named after a fictional heroine. If so, is she proud or embarrassed? When parents name a child for a personal hero or something else meaningful to them, the child deserves some degree of control over that.
Name Game: We gave our daughter (now an adult with a child with an unusual name) a hard-to-pronounce name from a very popular fantasy book that is important to my husband. We have only ever heard of two other people with the name, and they were in places far away. She learned to spell it at 2 years old because whenever she was asked her name, spelling was the next question.
Once people learned her name, though, they never forgot it — nor her. She has always enjoyed the uniqueness and I believe that helped her to develop a strong identity and a lot of self-confidence. The only drawback she has ever reported is that, given the continued popularity of the book, her name was a bit of “geek magnet” when she began dating. While you may only be aware of the challenges now, there may be hidden benefits from having an unusual name. I say let it go, accept the name and love the child who carries it. It will work out in the long run.
— Fantasy Name’s Mother
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.