Mr. Patches Ruby, a blessed beloved Shih Tzu, was born April 29, 2009 and died May 26, 2024.
I will never forget you, I told my beloved Patches. Then I asked myself why does it hurt so much when I can only see the last moments with you? I try to remember our good times together, yet I go back to the last moments over and over again.
I questioned everything, my faith and my courage, how could I take this separation?
Everyone around me is saying to cry and let the tears roll. Take time. Remember the good times and not the last moments holding his lifeless body in my arms. I am trying so hard but can’t get over the loss.
Then my Hindu friend came with a message from Lord Krishna. She said, “He is now free from this karma of being a dog. It’s believed dogs are serving karma from last life. God is merciful and does not want pets to suffer for their last life’s karma, so their lifespan is limited.”
I told her I had seen a dream about a few weeks ago.
I saw my Patches jumped into the water and I was screaming frantically calling on him. Then I saw a little boy jumped out of the water. He was standing by me and I saw him walk happily over somewhere. He was talking with his parents and told them he lived somewhere here with his mom and she is crying for him.
It was strange as my dream continued. I saw Patches was talking with Lord Krishna and told him, he wants to be reborn as a boy and wants to be able to talk and play like a person not a dog. He even said he knows it would be hard for me but he wants a short life and be reborn as a boy. My dream broke.
Strange thing is I ignored my dream. I did share it with a few close friends. I know some dreams are nightmares and it’s even worse when these nightmares come true.
Yet my Hindu friend had come and said she knows I believe in reincarnation, so she wanted me to have faith.
In Hinduism, there are different stages of reincarnation and if Patches was a good boy, he will be reborn as a human. Patches wasn’t just a good boy, he was the best.
I told my friend how Patches saved my life at least four times. When I was traveling in the Caribbean and he saved Zara’s life too, he risked his life as he went after a gunman and held on to the gunman’s feet until the police had come. On separate occasions, a rental house, and my own house, he scared off intruders as someone was trying to break in.
Whenever I cried, he came running and brought one of his toys to me or kissed my feet. Anytime I yelled “ouch” even in the kitchen while cooking, he came running and kissed my feet.
We talked about my dream from a few weeks ago, but nothing comforted my soul as I missed him so much. I felt like was there anything else I could have done to save my baby Patches?
He was nearly sixteen years old, yet I adopted him from the Caribbean where they did not have his exact age.
We believe he might have been 17 years old. Even at nearly 16, it’s like 112 human years. The doctors checked him and said they could not find any reason. He was eating and going to the bathroom, but he was showing elderly dog symptoms.
He was walking slowly and I knew he was old and showed his age. He was a very happy dog as he knew he was loved so much. He loved me and my four friends who also took care of him.
The day he passed away, he came and sat with us. He went to sleep in one of his four puppy beds as he had one in each room of my apartment, and then changed to go and sleep in his regular nightly bed. He just walked toward us, my four friends and me, as he watched all of us and fell asleep.
I knew something was wrong as I ran toward him and saw he was still breathing but very tired.
I took him to the emergency room where he eventually crossed over the rainbow bridge.
I held on to him for a long time as I screamed and cried my lungs out. I begged him to wake up and open his eyes and kept refusing to let him go. I asked the doctors did I do something wrong? Should I have brought him in earlier as I knew he was getting old. What could I have done to get him going to 20 years old?
The doctors told me he was completely healthy and they could not see anything wrong, but it just happened.
Life I know is but a day.
Everyone who is born will eventually be gone. All humans and all pets must take this same path. Yet how do I go on without Patches? I miss him trying to wake me or my four friends up for his walks.
For his afternoon walks, he would bark and make me aware it’s time. At night, he would always go and bark at the door because he needed to go to the bathroom. At times I would say, okay Patches, I know coming baby boy! Or at times I would say, be patient. We will go in a few minutes.
Now I regret letting him wait. I should have known a few minutes for me is like a lifetime for him. I was told by all to let go of him, and I did. But I ask all of you, how do I let go of my pain? I live with regret, regret, and only regret.
I know I must grieve and let my soul cry for him.
I know I can’t go back to his last minutes but remember his whole life with me.
I tried to read other pet parents’ messages on how they dealt with their loss. Right now as I am walking through this bereavement period, I feel like life just stopped at the last moment of his life rather than his whole nearly 16 years of life.
I read Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross said there are five stages of grief.
First stage: Denial. I don’t believe he is gone and I keep on thinking someone will call me to bring him back saying he is all right. Maybe this is so I don’t go into shock.
Second stage: Anger. I am angry I did not take him to the doctor before and maybe they could have given him a magical pill to stop aging. I don’t know why I am angry at God too. I hope God forgives me because I don’t know who else to be angry at. It’s myself and Him. I love my Lord so much that it hurts when He too gives me pain. I can understand the whole world standing against me, but how could you my Lord, my Creator, do this to me?
Third stage: Bargaining. I don’t know what to say but I am trying in my mind to bargain with God thinking what I could have done to change this situation. I keep going over and over in my mind and just go blank at times.
Fourth stage: Depression. This is the hardest part for me as I have had so much rejection all around me in my life. I always stayed positive even when family or friends left me because our ways of thinking separated us. I tried to say it’s better to stay away and forgive than stay in a relationship and fight. Yet here I wanted my little man to stay with me forever. I know he wanted to stay with me too. How do I get over this separation which is not by time or place but through life and death?
Fifth stage: Acceptance. I know I must travel to this stage where I have to accept he is gone and I will never see him again. I call him and I scream and try to look for him all around my small apartment, yet I can’t find him anywhere. I tried to see if my Lord gives me a sign of him anywhere and I pray. For me, prayers are my solace as life keeps giving me pain. I wrote prayers and then prayed and recited them. I hope I find solace from these prayers I had written over the years as the Holy Archangel Michael had come in my dreams and guided me to write my songs.
Yet tonight, I ask all of you to pray for me so that I can come to a place where I can accept this and know my Patches is at a better place and is safe and healthy and not in any elderly age-related pain. I pray I too can learn to live without him and go on.
Right now I keep on asking my Lord and my furry baby boy, “You left me and are safe within the arms of the Lord. Yet my Lord, how do I stop missing him and how do I go on?”
No solace in any words, nor does crying help me, as I am only giving myself a huge migraine. Sleepless nights and painful tears are my only friends. I tried to recite my written prayer song from page 17 of Spiritual Songs: Letters From My Chest, “LIFE ON THIS EARTH IS BUT A DAY.”
I hope I can get some needed solace from this song.
I wanted to wish upon a star after he passed and thought maybe my Patches was smiling back at me from the skies. But it was a very cloudy night and I could not see any stars. So I believed my baby boy was crying for me so the skies went foggy just like my eyes.
On the day of his funeral service, I looked up at the skies and saw a cloud floating by me. Instead of being in the sky, it felt like it was at the car level. Then it started going up and I screamed “Patches!” Everyone else in the car looked up at the sky and saw the same thing. A cloud that looked identical to Patches was flying in the sky. I took this as a sign that my furry boy is with his Creator.
I pray my baby boy, you find comfort in the Lord’s embrace as I will try to get some comfort in knowing my Lord is holding on to you within His embrace. After all, you are so cute and so sweet that the Lord too wanted you.
In a dream, I had seen my Lord give me this amazing prayer as I knew a beloved devotee of the Lord was walking through the tunnel of light. I had placed the prayer poem “NEVER FEAR FOR I AM HERE” to the best of my knowledge in first person as the Lord was saying it to a character in The Bride, The Groom, and The Ghost. It’s helped me a lot and I hope it helps all of you too.
I know Patches is in peace. The only words that did eventually give me solace were sent to me by my Hindu friend, a quote from Lord Krishna.
As for those who do believe in reincarnation, Lord Krishna has said in the Bhagavad-Gita (2.20, 22),
“For the soul there is neither birth nor death at any time. He has not come into being, does not come into being, and will not come into being. He is unborn, eternal, ever-existing, and primeval. He is not slain when the body is slain.
As a person puts on new garments, giving up old ones, the soul similarly accepts new material bodies, giving up the old and useless ones.”
My love and blessings to all pet parents and all who have lost a loved one.
To Patches, we will love you forever. Thank you for being mine. We will never ever forget you, my little boy with white and black fur.
ImmortalizedLoved you my
beloved Patches,
From the first bark
To the last bark!
From your first breath to
Your last breath!
Loved you from dawn
Till dusk through dawn.
My dear boy,
You gave me your
Whole life to enjoy
You,
To love you,
To be with you!
Yet
Now throughout my
Whole life,
I will miss you,
I will remember you,
I will never stop
Loving you.
Yet I know
As you gave me
Joy your whole life,
I will give back this joy
To all of your
Brothers,
Sisters, and
Your furry friends
As they love us
Throughout their entire lives,
And we the human
Families will
Love, cherish, and
Remember all of our
furry families
Eternally.
For you my beloved Patches,
I will eternally
Keep on
Loving you
For the rest of
My life,
As you loved me
Throughout your
Entire existence.
My love has now become immortal
As it made a furry family
And a human family
Bond eternally
Through
Our unconditional
Love.
For you my
beloved Patches,
I will always
Immortalize
Our journey.
Your journey has ended
Yet as I continue,
I will remember
And our journey together
Through love
Is now and forever
Immortalized.
The tsunami of life and death separated our paths yet I still walk ahead on my path with you in my heart. You and I will always be together through memories, where no tears nor sadness will be as I know you came to give me only joy and happiness, that I shall cherish and spread throughout my path.
Blessings,