When I returned home, I was confronted by a very upset “friend.” He told me that knowing how important this date was to him, I should have called him on the day or at least texted him.
I hadn’t realized contacting him both the day before and after was not enough. He said I clearly have a completely different definition of friend than he does.
Am I being a terrible friend?
Friends With My Ex: No, you’re doing your best rendition of an ex transitioning immediately to friend while trying to live in the same home. Merely being kind without bringing any new dysfunction to the party is an Olympic win.
Not to kick your roommate while he’s down, but if he’s really blaming his live-in recent ex for his bad feelings about his divorce from his previous ex, then he’s got some work to do.
If it’s not a bad case of codependency, then at least he needs a better grasp of common denominators.
But your getting involved with his enlightenment process is a nope. A crisp “Guess we do have different definitions. I’m sorry to hear you’re disappointed in mine” will suffice, plus a closed bedroom door and rush order on his new housing.
· I’d argue the same thing even if you were still together: He’s allowed to feel what he feels; he’s not allowed to make you responsible for making him feel a specific way.
Carolyn: I struggle with this as a general principle in relationships. How do you know how much you’re responsible for your own feelings and how much can you ask from a partner? For example, if my partner says something to me in a tone that feels like contempt, and it makes me feel bad, then how much of that feeling can I ask them to take responsibility for?
Anonymous: Feelings are ambiguous, so let’s use a concrete hypothetical:
If your partner squirts you with a garden hose, then that starts a decision-making flow chart:
· Did you like the cold-water blast? Yes/no. (Yes = end of chart, all good.)
· If no, what’s your mental calculation of intent: Was it accidental or on purpose? (Accident = all good.)
· If you suspect it was deliberate, then you say: “Please don’t squirt me — I don’t like it.” Besides the squirt, all choices to this point are yours.
· Now, your partner’s possible responses: 1. “Oh, sorry! I won’t do that again!” and doesn’t do it again (end of flow chart, all good). 2. “I’ll stop,” then keeps doing it (not good). 3. “Everyone else likes cold water, you’re just too sensitive” (not good).
· If 2 or 3, then, back to you: Will you stay with someone who keeps drenching you, knowing you dislike it? Or break up because no commitment is worth being cold and wet?
It’s why trust in ourselves is everything, and why abusers undermine it — relationship health hinges on how accurately we assess our own welfare.